i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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