i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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