there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
