By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
