She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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