I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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