The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
