I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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