I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
