his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
