I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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