he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
