my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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