this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
