Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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