I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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