we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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