You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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