I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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