I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
