Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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