piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
