It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
