The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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