he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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