If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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