i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I don't deserve a penis
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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