Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
