How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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