She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
