I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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