I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
