so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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