my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
