ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
