i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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