You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
