My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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