that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
