Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
