I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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