I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
