i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
They have beer where we have blood.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
