I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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