My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
