my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
