Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
