Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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