There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
