Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
