True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize