so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
