One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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