so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
