I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
