Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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