I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
