Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
