your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
