I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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